Build a Network of Support

To buoy you up in times of need, a network of support is essential! I have learned this the hard way more times than not.  The good news though is that we can keep increasing our circle of friends and help until we are covered on all sides and are better able to cope with the challenges that come our way.

Here is an example of one I recently created.  Let me know what you think. What categories would you add? What other sources of help/support are out there that you use? Share your ideas with me. I'd love to know what is working for you!

To further make it useful to me, under each heading I listed the ways that person/group has helped me in the past or is currently helping me. Then I also listed what further help I could receive from that group.


For example, under "Friends" I wrote: "Exercise Partners, Babysitting Help, Connect Socially" as the blessings I receive from friends now. Then I added "Fun" and "Emotional Support" as ones I want to add to further increase the benefits of my friendships.

In fact, recently when a challenge occurred in my personal life, I increased my support network by confiding in a trusted friend emotionally and receiving help and support from her--something I had never previously done.  (I usually keep emotional issues to myself...which I wouldn't recommend.) My burden was significantly lifted just by knowing someone else knew about my problem and cared.

Some of us have to be wary of the trap of co-dependency: relying on one person to meet all our needs for happiness and strength, especially if it is our spouses we are co-dependent on. If our spouses are the ones causing us pain, having no one else to turn to can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, and abandoned, creating bigger problems for us like isolation and depression. 

My challenge to you is to make your own diagram of support, see where the holes are and where you can further seek assistance and help. Then go out and get it! The truth of the matter is that help is out there-we just have to be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, ask for it, and receive it.

Do Hard Things Even When You Don't Feel Like It

I was recently talking to a friend and fellow writer who gave me the following great advice about writing (which happens to also apply to life, especially if you're feeling depressed): "You have to make yourself do hard things even if you don't feel like it." She was talking about her commitment to write every day, even when she didn't feel like it, and how she has already become such a better writer because of it.

As I thought on this, I realized that last week I really struggled because I didn't do the hard things I normally do to be brain healthy: get up early and exercise, drink enough water, eat healthy snacks/meals each day, pray morning and night, take breaks and do things I enjoy, go to bed on time, etc. No wonder I felt lousy!

So last night, after hearing Dr. Hibbert's great advice, when I was tempted to stay up late looking up celebrity haircut ideas online, I did the hard thing and made myself go to bed...and you know what, I actually was nice to my husband when I woke up, which is worth more than a celebrity haircut anyday!

It Is Better To Look Up

This is an amazing talk I listened to today that helped me realize answers to our problems come by looking to God and the Savior. I tend to look outward for help, and this reminded me I need to start by looking up.

It Will Be Whatever You Choose

A friend recently sent me a link to another mom's blog who had posted the following instagram quote: "It will be whatever you choose." (check it out here)

I had just finished some chores and was feeling worn out when I read this. I began to compare myself to what I considered more successful moms than myself, which made me feel even lower. I thought to myself, "I feel depressed."

But then the above quote came to my mind. I realized I had a choice in how I felt, and I thought, "No, I choose to feel happy." When I said this, I thought of what I had accomplished today instead of what I hadn't. I also thought that I should focus on my own growth and improvement instead of on others' accomplishments. Those choices left me feeling happier and free to enjoy my day instead of being depressed about it! 

Don't Blame

A couple years ago when I was working on lowering my stress levels to help treat my depression, I found a list of 12 ideas for reducing stress in your life in a medical book by the American Medical Association. Today I share one of those ideas: "Don't Blame: It keeps you from making constructive changes."

I recently applied this when I woke up crabby one morning from not getting enough sleep. I immediately blamed my husband who I had stayed up late with talking. Later that morning, I thought about how I shouldn't blame him, but instead focus on making a constructive change.

I came up with an idea that I put into use the next night: I wear earplugs to bed to help me sleep through the night (they block out snoring, house noises, dogs barking, cars, etc.); I decided that when I came to upstairs to get ready for bed, I would tell him goodnight and then put my earplugs in while I got ready for bed and read my scriptures.

It actually helped! He knew I couldn't hear him, so he didn't start any conversations with me, and it helped me to not start talking to him and to remember my bigger goal of getting enough sleep so I can be brain healthy.

Next time something goes wrong and you're tempted to blame, think instead about a change YOU can make to alter the situation for your benefit!

Have a Daily Goal/Purpose

I recently read a lesson on "Experiencing Joy Now." It included a list of reasons why people experience unhappiness and one that caught my eye was: Lack of goals or purpose.

I know that for me if I have a plan for the day of things I need to do and want to accomplish, it's easier for me to get up and get going. If not, then if I am feeling depressed already, I can stay in bed all morning, never shower, and feel grumpy and crappy all day.

*Before you go to bed tonight, think about a goal or activity you'd like to pursue and something you can do tomorrow to work toward that goal OR a purpose for the day, something you'd like to get done or achieve.*

Hobbies, talents, exercise, good old-fashioned work, and service are all great mood lifters and positive distractions that help lift depressive moods. You might not feel like doing anything but DO IT ANYWAY and you will feel better!

Happy New Year!

Today's tip comes from Pres. Monson's message in the January Ensign titled "Living the Abundant Life." He challenges each of us at the beginning of this new year to "undertake a personal, diligent, significant quest for...the abundant life-a life filled with an abundance of success, goodness, and blessings." Who doesn't want that?!

So what can we do to achieve this? He has 3 tools, his "ABC"s he calls them:

1. Have a Positive Attitude: "The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
William James, renowned American psychologist and philosopher

Pres. Monson says, "To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."

2. Believe in Yourself: "Don't limit yourself and don't let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith." Monson

3. Face Challenges With Courage: "Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Pres. Monson adds, "Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve...Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."

Here's to "trying again tomorrow" as each of us strives to improve and better manage our lives and emotional and mental health! May this year be better than the last!

Back to the Basics

Today's advice comes in the form of a five-letter word: SLEEP!

Having been at family's for the last four days, I realize that my ability to manage my negative emotions/thoughts is directly related to my energy level. Like a recovering alcoholic, I know my limits with regards to how much sleep I need to be able to function semi-rationally. However, I decided just one late night wouldn't hurt, and I stayed up two hours past my normal bedtime.

The next day, I was cranky and negative and couldn't figure out why I was feeling so annoyed at everything and everyone. "Do I need medication, to see a counselor, to just go home and get away from everyone?" I wondered.

That night, I went to bed at an earlier hour and the next morning woke up relatively calm and kind.  As negative thoughts and emotions came throughout the day, I was better able to counter them with more rational thoughts, thus keeping myself above-water emotionally.

For those of us who struggle with managing negative thoughts and emotions, we can make it harder on ourselves to counter these joy-blockers when we are physically exhausted. Invest in yourself by going to bed at an earlier hour and getting enough sleep. Start TONIGHT!

White Fudge and Putting First Things First

Maren w/friend Sophia at Fire Station.

As I was reading the book The Candy ShopWar by Brandon Mull, I came across a passage this morning that really stood out to me. One of the main characters, a ten-year-old named Nate, is in trouble and trying to solicit help from his father who is normally involved and concerned.  His father has become distant and distracted because of a magical spell in some white fudge he's consumed.

Nate approaches his dad, who is watching tv, and tries to talk to him.  He begins, "I've gotten involved in something really dangerous...I'm in way over my head.  I need your help." Nate continues to try to convince his father of the seriousness of his predicament, even telling him he is worried for his life, but to no avail.

At one point, Nate says, "Dad, the white fudge is addictive. Not just because it tastes good.  The fudge makes people who eat it lose their focus and blinds them to what is going on around them." Nate's dad is unresponsive and finally says, "Is there a (tv) show on you want to watch?"

This last line really hit me because the television/computer is a classic babysitter for most of us parents trying to get things done. How many times have I said this same thing to one of my children when what they were really asking for was my time and attention?

This got me thinking about what I might be "consuming" that might be distracting me away from what really is most important--what I might be addicted to that is making me lose focus and blinding me to what is going on around me and who is around me.  I thought of several "white fudges" in my life: perfectionism and depression.

Just yesterday, I was losing my temper at my husband and children because the house was a mess.  My husband pointed out all the things they had cleaned up that I hadn't noticed.  My grumpiness carried over to everyone, and soon my children were bickering, and my usually calm husband was growling at everyone. "A little bit goes a long way," I realized, as I saw the effects of my negativity on those around me.  I stopped myself in my tracks, apologized, then started instead to say positive things, express gratitude, and to let the mess go and focus on relationships. The rest of the day went much better, though the house was still pretty messy.

As I pondered my "white fudges" and losing focus, I mentally imagined wiping my slate clean of any "to dos".  "What is most important?" I asked myself. "Is it my husband, Heavenly Father, my kids?"

I decided it was my relationship with God and Christ. If I put my husband first, I might make choices that are not in the overall best interest of myself or family.  If I put my Heavenly Father and Savior first, then my life is aligned with what is right and that will affect the rest of my relationships positively. Plus, if I am trying to get my children to do what's right, but I'm not, then I will be ineffective as a parent.

I realized I also need to put myself up at the top too, because if I am unhealthy physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I will be of no use to anyone, not even God.

Then I decided after that, Royce would come next. If he and I are not getting along, then no matter how much I tell the kids to be respectful, they won't...they just copy us.  So I need to nurture and invest in this relationship that Pres. Benson called the most important relationship in this life.

Then the children.

Then the chores. :)

Upon realizing my own loss of focus and priorities, I decided I needed to make prayer a priority again.  I needed to put first things first and re-establish that connection with Heaven. Heavenly Father, just like me as a parent, keeps me alive and going through His love, work, sacrifice, and perseverance on my part. And in the same way I care about my children, He cares about me-how I am doing, what I am struggling with, and He wants to help.

Find or create some quiet time today to discern what your "white fudges" might be. Evaluate what your priorities are and whether your time is actually going toward them. Put first things first.

A Friend

Today, help came in the form of a friend. 

It was 11:30 am and I had not showered yet, having gotten distracted with laundry and meal planning.  My neighbor and close friend, Jess, called and asked me over for a quick lunch of leftovers at noon.  The thought of visiting with her cheered me up instantly, and I quickly showered and got ready. 

Eva was happy to leave the house with me and walk up the hill to Austin's for lunch and play time.  It was a warmer day than I had anticipated, having been shut up in my house with the heater running all morning.  The warmth felt rejuvenating after weeks of daytime wind and chill. 

As we neared the top of the hill, I looked around me at the blue sky full of brilliant white clouds and towering pine trees.  My anxiety was replaced with calm and peace.  I felt grateful for the sun that keeps rising, even when I don't...for the constant sky above me even when I'm not constant...and for the clouds that keep drifting even when I am immobile.  All of God's creations continue on every day, cycling in and out of their respective spheres, whether or not I come out of my house to appreciate them and be blessed by them...and I'm grateful for that.

And for a friend that called me over last minute for lunch.