I returned home this afternoon despondent after an urgent care appointment did not turn out as desired. "I am tired of seeing doctors and seeking answers to my physical and mental ills," I thought. Browsing through email on my phone, I saw an invite from my cousin on FB inviting me to join the "Happy Wives Club" (www.happywivesclub.com). Intrigued, I checked it out, including reading about the book of the same name.
Imagine that, I thought. Women who are happy to be married, who aren't complaining about their husbands, their kids, their lives, their problems. Just a different mindset, I thought. One I should consider.
As I contemplated this, I realized...
This is what Satan wants.
He wants me to be unhappy!!!
He wants me to feel helpless and hopeless, frantic and frazzled, to be distracted and discouraged.
He wants me to be miserable because he is miserable!
He wants me to fail miserably because he has failed miserably!!
He wants me to let go of my dreams because he will never attain his (ruling the world).
"But I feel overwhelmed taking care of myself, my children, my marriage!" I complained.
He wants to overwhelm you and weigh you down, so you won't look up. Because what happens when you look up? You see light: the sun, the moon, the stars, the Savior, the Father, faces of people who love you and you love back. And in light, you feel hope, peace, gratitude, love; you see the good, you feel good, you are good.
Satan has failed and he is a failure. He is the only true failure because he chose not to choose at all.
So hang in there. Don't let Satan win. Be happy! Choose hope! Light! Love. Choose to let Christ and light in.
And check this link out for a similar idea in raising your kids using love, praise, and positivity: http://www.lds.org/ensign/2006/02/helping-children-develop-feelings-of-self-worth?lang=eng
January 20, 2014
December 17, 2013
"This Is How We Grow" Blog Hop, 2013
Shine, Baby…Shine!
When I was 21, I was a senior at Brigham Young University in the highly sought after and hard-to-get-into Film Program and on my way to graduation. I had secured internships at several well-known film businesses in LA and had worked hard to get them. Then I met my husband. I chose to get married, and then I chose to back out of the internships.
One might conclude that marriage ruined my ambitions. But that wasn’t it at all. I had ruined my ambitions. I chose to stay in the shadows and fade away when I could have-should have-chosen to shine. My own fears, insecurities, depressive tendencies, and lack of optimism and confidence led to my own lack of personal development.
Fast forward 16 years later to November 13, 2013: my good friend, writing companion, and psychologist, Christina Hibbert, has just published her first book, “This Is How We Grow.” It is an immediate success on Amazon, and as she celebrates one of the biggest days of her career, I experience one of the lowest of mine.
So as my dear friend Christi flourishes, why do I find myself floundering? It’s never been hard for me to help others shine. Why is it hard for me to let myself shine? How can someone as old as me succumb to something as childish as jealousy? What can I do to feel better, but far more importantly, what can I do to be better in this situation I find myself in?
Well, for starters, take Dr. Hibbert’s sage advice: Choose to grow. Choose to come out of the shadows, to come out of hiding, to confront my fears and insecurities and put myself out there like she has. Choose to overcome jealousy, rise above comparison and competition, and become the person I want to and know I can become. And then finally…I will see myself flourish.
I am at a point in my life where I have been confronted with both personal and family challenges that feel far beyond my ability to manage, let alone overcome. As I questioned what to do as different crises hit, the thought occurred to me: Start back where you stopped, back in college…
This time, however, when you feel the fear of the unknown (and it feels extremely scary-terrifying, in fact), choose to leave the safety and comfort of your home. Walk out into the world and reach out to people you don't know and introduce yourself with a confident smile you do not feel (yet).
Some of them won't believe in you…but others will. In fact, you will connect with them and they with you in ways that surprise even them…and you will begin to grow. In the light of others' acceptance and support and your own, you will blossom. And as you continue to courageously develop and share your unique talents with others, you will flourish.
When I was 21, I was a senior at Brigham Young University in the highly sought after and hard-to-get-into Film Program and on my way to graduation. I had secured internships at several well-known film businesses in LA and had worked hard to get them. Then I met my husband. I chose to get married, and then I chose to back out of the internships.
One might conclude that marriage ruined my ambitions. But that wasn’t it at all. I had ruined my ambitions. I chose to stay in the shadows and fade away when I could have-should have-chosen to shine. My own fears, insecurities, depressive tendencies, and lack of optimism and confidence led to my own lack of personal development.
 | |||
| Christi and I at the 2013 ANWA Writing Conference in Phx. |
Back in the fall of 2011, when Dr. Hibbert had asked for help in writing her book, I jumped at the chance! As her friend, I knew her well; I believed in her, in her story, and in her ability to tell it well. I was as excited as she was about her finally being in a place to share it with others.
For over a year, she wrote and re-wrote tirelessly, worked and re-worked the story-format, and bravely pitched her book idea to various publishers and agents. As her friend and editor, I helped. But to no avail. Her format was different and new, and no one was willing to take a risk-except for Christi herself.
She hired a professional to help her develop a “brand” and an online presence. She built a social media platform from scratch, utilizing advice from colleagues and others. She dove headlong into the self-publishing process, taking on the added stress of becoming her own agent and publisher.
Point of story: she never gave up! In the end, she realized her dream because:
1. She Desired to write a book.
2. She Believed in her ability to do it. (And when doubt crept in, she turned to others for reinforcement).
3. She put forth Effort (Lots of it-over an extended period of time!)
4. She Achieved! (I call this “Jen’s Formula for Success” and Dr. Hibbert exemplified it perfectly).
So as my dear friend Christi flourishes, why do I find myself floundering? It’s never been hard for me to help others shine. Why is it hard for me to let myself shine? How can someone as old as me succumb to something as childish as jealousy? What can I do to feel better, but far more importantly, what can I do to be better in this situation I find myself in?
Well, for starters, take Dr. Hibbert’s sage advice: Choose to grow. Choose to come out of the shadows, to come out of hiding, to confront my fears and insecurities and put myself out there like she has. Choose to overcome jealousy, rise above comparison and competition, and become the person I want to and know I can become. And then finally…I will see myself flourish.
I am at a point in my life where I have been confronted with both personal and family challenges that feel far beyond my ability to manage, let alone overcome. As I questioned what to do as different crises hit, the thought occurred to me: Start back where you stopped, back in college…
This time, however, when you feel the fear of the unknown (and it feels extremely scary-terrifying, in fact), choose to leave the safety and comfort of your home. Walk out into the world and reach out to people you don't know and introduce yourself with a confident smile you do not feel (yet).
Some of them won't believe in you…but others will. In fact, you will connect with them and they with you in ways that surprise even them…and you will begin to grow. In the light of others' acceptance and support and your own, you will blossom. And as you continue to courageously develop and share your unique talents with others, you will flourish.
16 years after backing out of the internships, I am finally in a place to see things as they really were then, to see myself as I really am now, and to have faith and hope in the woman I can become in the future. It’s not too late to rise to the call to grow for me, for you, for anyone-the call to overcome, become, and flourish. And I invite you to let go of jealousy, insecurity, and fear and grow with me.
{jen}
November 10, 2013
An Ache to Create
 |
| Link to my new Imagine Dragon's fav song "Bleeding Out" |
(their hit song "Radioactive" was featured on the
soundtrack
of the film "The Host"). I loved the band's sound,
and my
husband bought me the album, Night Visions, the next day.
In researching them online, I discovered their lead singer-
Dan Reynolds-has struggled with depression and anxiety his
entire life. This struck me as intriguing due to a quote I heard from
Flagstaff-native author Mary Sojourner a few years back: "I wonder how
many women and men who have been labeled depressives are artists starving for
their work."
In 2 different interviews, Reynolds shared:
“It’s an ongoing battle for me; I don’t think anyone who
struggles with it can ever kick it fully. I don’t want it to be some sob story.
It’s just dealing with life, and life isn’t always unicorns and green
fields," and "For some people, it's in their blood to be happy.
Other people have to work for it...it's definitely something I struggle
with." But he added, " Music has been my way out; it's the light at
the end of the tunnel. That's why I chose to pursue it."
He also shared:
"I always leaned more toward the creative side...I’m
probably an overly emotional person and write from an
emotional place. At the end of the day, I hope to leave a
message that betters (a listener's) life in some way
rather than detracts from it, and that it uplifts them. Or,
a darker, sad song that they connect with so they don’t feel so alone.”
I really related to his comments and have found myself in a
similar place of needing and wanting to create to
deal with what's going on in myself, in my life, and to help
others. In essence, I've been experiencing an ache to create.
I think we depressives could learn from Reynolds' experience
and enjoy more fulfillment, joy, and success in
our lives if we too listened to our hearts and pursued our
dreams with more faith in ourselves and our abilities...if we stop letting fear
be our guide and let faith in God and ourselves move us forward.
"I was too afraid of my heart being broken if my dreams
didn't come true," Reynolds shared, "so I never said anything (about
his musical desires). I tried to do the best I could with what I had; what
would come, would
come. So to be here now (performing to sold-out audiences)
it's a crazy thing."
Check out more of his story at: www.imaginedragonssmusic.com
Today's Goal: Create! Use my emotional energy-positive or
negative-to create something to help myself and
others.
July 23, 2012
The FlyLady's 11 Commandments!
While living on the East Coast, a good friend introduced me to the book "Sink Reflections" by Marla Cilley, aka The FlyLady. Marla is a recovered clutter-aholic who developed her own personal system/tools/ideas to dig herself out of chaos & misery and create order & peace in her life and home. I have been re-reading her book for fun and thought I'd share her 11 Commandments.
Fly Lady’s 11 Commandments
1 Keep your sink clean and shiny!
2 Get dressed every morning, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t forget your lace-up shoes.
3 Do your morning and before bedtime routine everyday.
4 Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer.
5 Pick up after yourself. If you get it out, put it away.
6 Don’t try to do two projects at once. ONE JOB AT A TIME.
7 Don’t pull out more than you can put back in one hour.
8 Do something for yourself everyday, maybe every morning and night.
9 Work as fast as you can to get the job done. This will give you more time to play later.
10 Smile even when you don’t feel like it. It is contagious. Make your mind up to be happy and you will be.
11 Don’t forget to laugh everyday. Pamper yourself, you deserve it.
**For a WAY CUTER version of this, click on HappyHomeHabits! You'll also see an ad for a Home Routines i-phone app. Haven't tried it but it looks good.**
AND if you are feeling especially disorganized and overwhelmed, check out the FlyLady's book. Each time I browse through it, I get immediate support via an idea, thought, encouragement, etc. She also has a blog if you want to check it out at http://www.flylady.net/.
Fly Lady’s 11 Commandments
1 Keep your sink clean and shiny!
2 Get dressed every morning, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t forget your lace-up shoes.
3 Do your morning and before bedtime routine everyday.
4 Don’t allow yourself to be sidetracked by the computer.
5 Pick up after yourself. If you get it out, put it away.
6 Don’t try to do two projects at once. ONE JOB AT A TIME.
7 Don’t pull out more than you can put back in one hour.
8 Do something for yourself everyday, maybe every morning and night.
9 Work as fast as you can to get the job done. This will give you more time to play later.
10 Smile even when you don’t feel like it. It is contagious. Make your mind up to be happy and you will be.
11 Don’t forget to laugh everyday. Pamper yourself, you deserve it.
**For a WAY CUTER version of this, click on HappyHomeHabits! You'll also see an ad for a Home Routines i-phone app. Haven't tried it but it looks good.**
AND if you are feeling especially disorganized and overwhelmed, check out the FlyLady's book. Each time I browse through it, I get immediate support via an idea, thought, encouragement, etc. She also has a blog if you want to check it out at http://www.flylady.net/.
July 14, 2012
The Gospel Path is LESS Rocky
Now that we've decided to stay in Flagstaff, I've taken up mountain biking again. This morning I went out alone on some trails near our home. A few gnats in the eyes/mouth later, I realized if not my eyes, I could at least keep my mouth shut. :)
I started on some shorter trail loops then jumped onto the Walnut Meadow Loop, an almost 4 mile ride. It is beautiful country in Flag but rocky. Near the beginning, I hit some clumps of rocks in the middle of the trail that caused me to swerve a little, so I jumped off the trail momentarily to avoid more rocks and instead hit some bigger ones. I jumped back on the path as fast as I could, realizing my mistake. In my naïveté, I had figured avoiding any rocks was the goal until I saw how uneven and more potentially dangerous the outskirts were.
This got me thinking that sometimes when we live the gospel, we think the path should be straight, narrow, and paved! But that's not the point of the gospel path. It is safer, but there will still be bumps and bruises along the way. The point is that the path will always be safer than the off-road alternative.
As I continued on the loop, I started to worry I wasn't on the right trail anymore. I had gone for a long time without seeing a tall, brown trail marker, and after constant twists and turns in the path, I didn't even know what direction I was heading anymore. I was tempted to stop and backtrack.
But I resisted the urge, committing to finishing the trail I had started. I had stayed on the main trail the whole time I assured myself. Eventually, it would bring me back to the beginning I reasoned. After some time passed, I did finally pass a trail marker and finished the loop. Whoo-hoo!
In life, we each receive confirmations--like the trail markers--that we are indeed heading the right direction or on the right path for us. But sometimes when it's been a while since we've received a witness/answer and the road begins to twist and turn in unfamiliar/unplanned ways, we are tempted to say: "This is not the path I meant to choose" or "This can't be the right way anymore," and we lose faith and want to abandon it.
Just hang in there though and know that if you knew it was right before, it still is right, even if Heavenly Father is presently silent. Eventually, you'll come to the end and be grateful you didn't quit.
I started on some shorter trail loops then jumped onto the Walnut Meadow Loop, an almost 4 mile ride. It is beautiful country in Flag but rocky. Near the beginning, I hit some clumps of rocks in the middle of the trail that caused me to swerve a little, so I jumped off the trail momentarily to avoid more rocks and instead hit some bigger ones. I jumped back on the path as fast as I could, realizing my mistake. In my naïveté, I had figured avoiding any rocks was the goal until I saw how uneven and more potentially dangerous the outskirts were.
This got me thinking that sometimes when we live the gospel, we think the path should be straight, narrow, and paved! But that's not the point of the gospel path. It is safer, but there will still be bumps and bruises along the way. The point is that the path will always be safer than the off-road alternative.
As I continued on the loop, I started to worry I wasn't on the right trail anymore. I had gone for a long time without seeing a tall, brown trail marker, and after constant twists and turns in the path, I didn't even know what direction I was heading anymore. I was tempted to stop and backtrack.
But I resisted the urge, committing to finishing the trail I had started. I had stayed on the main trail the whole time I assured myself. Eventually, it would bring me back to the beginning I reasoned. After some time passed, I did finally pass a trail marker and finished the loop. Whoo-hoo!
In life, we each receive confirmations--like the trail markers--that we are indeed heading the right direction or on the right path for us. But sometimes when it's been a while since we've received a witness/answer and the road begins to twist and turn in unfamiliar/unplanned ways, we are tempted to say: "This is not the path I meant to choose" or "This can't be the right way anymore," and we lose faith and want to abandon it.
Just hang in there though and know that if you knew it was right before, it still is right, even if Heavenly Father is presently silent. Eventually, you'll come to the end and be grateful you didn't quit.
July 13, 2012
Green Drink!
My brother is a naturopathic doctor in the Valley and sends out a monthly newsletter to clients/friends/family. I subscribe and always glean something helpful from it each time. This month, he wrote about training for a triathalon in September and becoming re-energized through Green Drinks. He includes he and his wife's personal recipe, which he says has transformed their excercise.
I'm excited to try it and hope it helps you too!
http://www.eastvalleynd.com/blog/journey-of-a-tri-athlete/?utm_source=July+Newsletter&utm_campaign=July+Newsletter+2012&utm_medium=email
I'm excited to try it and hope it helps you too!
http://www.eastvalleynd.com/blog/journey-of-a-tri-athlete/?utm_source=July+Newsletter&utm_campaign=July+Newsletter+2012&utm_medium=email
July 12, 2012
Archery & Self-Respect
My son and I signed up for archery lessons together this summer, and when he wasn't able to go to lessons today, I unconsciously decided not to go either since signing up had mostly been for him.
I instead started doing a bunch of chores, then went to rock my toddler to sleep for a nap. It was then, unshowered and already tired, I realized what I had done: I had made myself an appendage of my son, instead of treating myself like an individual.
The thing is...I actually really like archery and I'm not too bad at it either. After the first lesson, I had called my hubby and told him excitedly how much fun I had had. He told me he later he noticed I was happier that day than usual and said I should try to do something every day I enjoy.
After his observation, I noticed too I felt differently after each lesson: I was more positive, excited, enthusiastic about life...
As I reflected on all this, I decided I needed to respect myself the way I respected my son-enough to get him to lessons! So I threw on makeup, jumped in the Tahoe, and raced to Fort Tuthill in time to practice shooting 3D targets (animals). I "killed" a badger my first time around. It was a good feeling ;)
I'm glad I went too because I found out next week we get to go on the 3D course the club uses. Duncan's excited too. Either way, son or not, I won't miss it. I just have to keep reminding myself every day that I matter too.
April 05, 2012
Seek Help
I recently read on a favorite website (www.helpguide.org) that different forms of abuse can cause depression/anxiety (see Psychological Warning Signs bottom of article). I realized that sometimes we don't even recognize or fully understand the source of our depression. Another article asserted that several medical issues like an under/overactive thyroid or anemia can cause symptoms that mimic depression. The article suggested starting with a visit to your general doctor to rule out any of these causes first.
If you have already done tests to rule out a medical condition and are not sure what to do next, the following article Understanding Depression can help by educating on the different types of depression, causes of, and potential paths to healing. Seeking help from a professional might be an answer.
No one is going to care more about you than YOU! Make an appointment with your doctor if you need to; find out what options are available for you to help you recover. Depression can make everything feel overwhelming, so start small by doing just one thing a day to get you on a path to healing.
If you have already done tests to rule out a medical condition and are not sure what to do next, the following article Understanding Depression can help by educating on the different types of depression, causes of, and potential paths to healing. Seeking help from a professional might be an answer.
No one is going to care more about you than YOU! Make an appointment with your doctor if you need to; find out what options are available for you to help you recover. Depression can make everything feel overwhelming, so start small by doing just one thing a day to get you on a path to healing.
March 22, 2012
Build a Network of Support
To buoy you up in times of need, a network of support is essential! I have learned this the hard way more times than not. The good news though is that we can keep increasing our circle of friends and help until we are covered on all sides and are better able to cope with the challenges that come our way.
Here is an example of one I recently created. Let me know what you think. What categories would you add? What other sources of help/support are out there that you use? Share your ideas with me. I'd love to know what is working for you!
To further make it useful to me, under each heading I listed the ways that person/group has helped me in the past or is currently helping me. Then I also listed what further help I could receive from that group.
For example, under "Friends" I wrote: "Exercise Partners, Babysitting Help, Connect Socially" as the blessings I receive from friends now. Then I added "Fun" and "Emotional Support" as ones I want to add to further increase the benefits of my friendships.
In fact, recently when a challenge occurred in my personal life, I increased my support network by confiding in a trusted friend emotionally and receiving help and support from her--something I had never previously done. (I usually keep emotional issues to myself...which I wouldn't recommend.) My burden was significantly lifted just by knowing someone else knew about my problem and cared.
Some of us have to be wary of the trap of co-dependency: relying on one person to meet all our needs for happiness and strength, especially if it is our spouses we are co-dependent on. If our spouses are the ones causing us pain, having no one else to turn to can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, and abandoned, creating bigger problems for us like isolation and depression.
My challenge to you is to make your own diagram of support, see where the holes are and where you can further seek assistance and help. Then go out and get it! The truth of the matter is that help is out there-we just have to be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, ask for it, and receive it.
Here is an example of one I recently created. Let me know what you think. What categories would you add? What other sources of help/support are out there that you use? Share your ideas with me. I'd love to know what is working for you!
For example, under "Friends" I wrote: "Exercise Partners, Babysitting Help, Connect Socially" as the blessings I receive from friends now. Then I added "Fun" and "Emotional Support" as ones I want to add to further increase the benefits of my friendships.
In fact, recently when a challenge occurred in my personal life, I increased my support network by confiding in a trusted friend emotionally and receiving help and support from her--something I had never previously done. (I usually keep emotional issues to myself...which I wouldn't recommend.) My burden was significantly lifted just by knowing someone else knew about my problem and cared.
Some of us have to be wary of the trap of co-dependency: relying on one person to meet all our needs for happiness and strength, especially if it is our spouses we are co-dependent on. If our spouses are the ones causing us pain, having no one else to turn to can leave us feeling hopeless, helpless, and abandoned, creating bigger problems for us like isolation and depression.
My challenge to you is to make your own diagram of support, see where the holes are and where you can further seek assistance and help. Then go out and get it! The truth of the matter is that help is out there-we just have to be willing to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, ask for it, and receive it.
February 19, 2012
Do Hard Things Even When You Don't Feel Like It
I was recently talking to a friend and fellow writer who gave me the following great advice about writing (which happens to also apply to life, especially if you're feeling depressed): "You have to make yourself do hard things even if you don't feel like it." She was talking about her commitment to write every day, even when she didn't feel like it, and how she has already become such a better writer because of it.
As I thought on this, I realized that last week I really struggled because I didn't do the hard things I normally do to be brain healthy: get up early and exercise, drink enough water, eat healthy snacks/meals each day, pray morning and night, take breaks and do things I enjoy, go to bed on time, etc. No wonder I felt lousy!
So last night, after hearing Dr. Hibbert's great advice, when I was tempted to stay up late looking up celebrity haircut ideas online, I did the hard thing and made myself go to bed...and you know what, I actually was nice to my husband when I woke up, which is worth more than a celebrity haircut anyday!
As I thought on this, I realized that last week I really struggled because I didn't do the hard things I normally do to be brain healthy: get up early and exercise, drink enough water, eat healthy snacks/meals each day, pray morning and night, take breaks and do things I enjoy, go to bed on time, etc. No wonder I felt lousy!
So last night, after hearing Dr. Hibbert's great advice, when I was tempted to stay up late looking up celebrity haircut ideas online, I did the hard thing and made myself go to bed...and you know what, I actually was nice to my husband when I woke up, which is worth more than a celebrity haircut anyday!
January 20, 2012
It Is Better To Look Up
This is an amazing talk I listened to today that helped me realize answers to our problems come by looking to God and the Savior. I tend to look outward for help, and this reminded me I need to start by looking up.
January 04, 2012
It Will Be Whatever You Choose
A friend recently sent me a link to another mom's blog who had posted the following instagram quote: "It will be whatever you choose." (check it out here)
I had just finished some chores and was feeling worn out when I read this. I began to compare myself to what I considered more successful moms than myself, which made me feel even lower. I thought to myself, "I feel depressed."
But then the above quote came to my mind. I realized I had a choice in how I felt, and I thought, "No, I choose to feel happy." When I said this, I thought of what I had accomplished today instead of what I hadn't. I also thought that I should focus on my own growth and improvement instead of on others' accomplishments. Those choices left me feeling happier and free to enjoy my day instead of being depressed about it!
I had just finished some chores and was feeling worn out when I read this. I began to compare myself to what I considered more successful moms than myself, which made me feel even lower. I thought to myself, "I feel depressed."
But then the above quote came to my mind. I realized I had a choice in how I felt, and I thought, "No, I choose to feel happy." When I said this, I thought of what I had accomplished today instead of what I hadn't. I also thought that I should focus on my own growth and improvement instead of on others' accomplishments. Those choices left me feeling happier and free to enjoy my day instead of being depressed about it!
January 03, 2012
Don't Blame
A couple years ago when I was working on lowering my stress levels to help treat my depression, I found a list of 12 ideas for reducing stress in your life in a medical book by the American Medical Association. Today I share one of those ideas: "Don't Blame: It keeps you from making constructive changes."
I recently applied this when I woke up crabby one morning from not getting enough sleep. I immediately blamed my husband who I had stayed up late with talking. Later that morning, I thought about how I shouldn't blame him, but instead focus on making a constructive change.
I came up with an idea that I put into use the next night: I wear earplugs to bed to help me sleep through the night (they block out snoring, house noises, dogs barking, cars, etc.); I decided that when I came to upstairs to get ready for bed, I would tell him goodnight and then put my earplugs in while I got ready for bed and read my scriptures.
It actually helped! He knew I couldn't hear him, so he didn't start any conversations with me, and it helped me to not start talking to him and to remember my bigger goal of getting enough sleep so I can be brain healthy.
Next time something goes wrong and you're tempted to blame, think instead about a change YOU can make to alter the situation for your benefit!
I recently applied this when I woke up crabby one morning from not getting enough sleep. I immediately blamed my husband who I had stayed up late with talking. Later that morning, I thought about how I shouldn't blame him, but instead focus on making a constructive change.
I came up with an idea that I put into use the next night: I wear earplugs to bed to help me sleep through the night (they block out snoring, house noises, dogs barking, cars, etc.); I decided that when I came to upstairs to get ready for bed, I would tell him goodnight and then put my earplugs in while I got ready for bed and read my scriptures.
It actually helped! He knew I couldn't hear him, so he didn't start any conversations with me, and it helped me to not start talking to him and to remember my bigger goal of getting enough sleep so I can be brain healthy.
Next time something goes wrong and you're tempted to blame, think instead about a change YOU can make to alter the situation for your benefit!
January 02, 2012
Have a Daily Goal/Purpose
I recently read a lesson on "Experiencing Joy Now." It included a list of reasons why people experience unhappiness and one that caught my eye was: Lack of goals or purpose.
I know that for me if I have a plan for the day of things I need to do and want to accomplish, it's easier for me to get up and get going. If not, then if I am feeling depressed already, I can stay in bed all morning, never shower, and feel grumpy and crappy all day.
*Before you go to bed tonight, think about a goal or activity you'd like to pursue and something you can do tomorrow to work toward that goal OR a purpose for the day, something you'd like to get done or achieve.*
Hobbies, talents, exercise, good old-fashioned work, and service are all great mood lifters and positive distractions that help lift depressive moods. You might not feel like doing anything but DO IT ANYWAY and you will feel better!
I know that for me if I have a plan for the day of things I need to do and want to accomplish, it's easier for me to get up and get going. If not, then if I am feeling depressed already, I can stay in bed all morning, never shower, and feel grumpy and crappy all day.
*Before you go to bed tonight, think about a goal or activity you'd like to pursue and something you can do tomorrow to work toward that goal OR a purpose for the day, something you'd like to get done or achieve.*
Hobbies, talents, exercise, good old-fashioned work, and service are all great mood lifters and positive distractions that help lift depressive moods. You might not feel like doing anything but DO IT ANYWAY and you will feel better!
January 01, 2012
Happy New Year!
Today's tip comes from Pres. Monson's message in the January Ensign titled "Living the Abundant Life." He challenges each of us at the beginning of this new year to "undertake a personal, diligent, significant quest for...the abundant life-a life filled with an abundance of success, goodness, and blessings." Who doesn't want that?!
So what can we do to achieve this? He has 3 tools, his "ABC"s he calls them:
1. Have a Positive Attitude: "The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
William James, renowned American psychologist and philosopher
Pres. Monson says, "To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."
2. Believe in Yourself: "Don't limit yourself and don't let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith." Monson
3. Face Challenges With Courage: "Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Pres. Monson adds, "Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve...Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."
Here's to "trying again tomorrow" as each of us strives to improve and better manage our lives and emotional and mental health! May this year be better than the last!
So what can we do to achieve this? He has 3 tools, his "ABC"s he calls them:
1. Have a Positive Attitude: "The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
William James, renowned American psychologist and philosopher
Pres. Monson says, "To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment."
2. Believe in Yourself: "Don't limit yourself and don't let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith." Monson
3. Face Challenges With Courage: "Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs." Ralph Waldo Emerson
Pres. Monson adds, "Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one's coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve...Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, "I'll try again tomorrow."
Here's to "trying again tomorrow" as each of us strives to improve and better manage our lives and emotional and mental health! May this year be better than the last!
November 26, 2011
Back to the Basics
Today's advice comes in the form of a five-letter word: SLEEP!
Having been at family's for the last four days, I realize that my ability to manage my negative emotions/thoughts is directly related to my energy level. Like a recovering alcoholic, I know my limits with regards to how much sleep I need to be able to function semi-rationally. However, I decided just one late night wouldn't hurt, and I stayed up two hours past my normal bedtime.
The next day, I was cranky and negative and couldn't figure out why I was feeling so annoyed at everything and everyone. "Do I need medication, to see a counselor, to just go home and get away from everyone?" I wondered.
That night, I went to bed at an earlier hour and the next morning woke up relatively calm and kind. As negative thoughts and emotions came throughout the day, I was better able to counter them with more rational thoughts, thus keeping myself above-water emotionally.
For those of us who struggle with managing negative thoughts and emotions, we can make it harder on ourselves to counter these joy-blockers when we are physically exhausted. Invest in yourself by going to bed at an earlier hour and getting enough sleep. Start TONIGHT!
Having been at family's for the last four days, I realize that my ability to manage my negative emotions/thoughts is directly related to my energy level. Like a recovering alcoholic, I know my limits with regards to how much sleep I need to be able to function semi-rationally. However, I decided just one late night wouldn't hurt, and I stayed up two hours past my normal bedtime.
The next day, I was cranky and negative and couldn't figure out why I was feeling so annoyed at everything and everyone. "Do I need medication, to see a counselor, to just go home and get away from everyone?" I wondered.
That night, I went to bed at an earlier hour and the next morning woke up relatively calm and kind. As negative thoughts and emotions came throughout the day, I was better able to counter them with more rational thoughts, thus keeping myself above-water emotionally.
For those of us who struggle with managing negative thoughts and emotions, we can make it harder on ourselves to counter these joy-blockers when we are physically exhausted. Invest in yourself by going to bed at an earlier hour and getting enough sleep. Start TONIGHT!
November 21, 2011
White Fudge and Putting First Things First
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| Maren w/friend Sophia at Fire Station. |
Nate approaches his dad, who is watching tv, and tries to talk to him. He begins, "I've gotten involved in something really dangerous...I'm in way over my head. I need your help." Nate continues to try to convince his father of the seriousness of his predicament, even telling him he is worried for his life, but to no avail.
At one point, Nate says, "Dad, the white fudge is addictive. Not just because it tastes good. The fudge makes people who eat it lose their focus and blinds them to what is going on around them." Nate's dad is unresponsive and finally says, "Is there a (tv) show on you want to watch?"
This last line really hit me because the television/computer is a classic babysitter for most of us parents trying to get things done. How many times have I said this same thing to one of my children when what they were really asking for was my time and attention?
This got me thinking about what I might be "consuming" that might be distracting me away from what really is most important--what I might be addicted to that is making me lose focus and blinding me to what is going on around me and who is around me. I thought of several "white fudges" in my life: perfectionism and depression.
Just yesterday, I was losing my temper at my husband and children because the house was a mess. My husband pointed out all the things they had cleaned up that I hadn't noticed. My grumpiness carried over to everyone, and soon my children were bickering, and my usually calm husband was growling at everyone. "A little bit goes a long way," I realized, as I saw the effects of my negativity on those around me. I stopped myself in my tracks, apologized, then started instead to say positive things, express gratitude, and to let the mess go and focus on relationships. The rest of the day went much better, though the house was still pretty messy.
As I pondered my "white fudges" and losing focus, I mentally imagined wiping my slate clean of any "to dos". "What is most important?" I asked myself. "Is it my husband, Heavenly Father, my kids?"
I decided it was my relationship with God and Christ. If I put my husband first, I might make choices that are not in the overall best interest of myself or family. If I put my Heavenly Father and Savior first, then my life is aligned with what is right and that will affect the rest of my relationships positively. Plus, if I am trying to get my children to do what's right, but I'm not, then I will be ineffective as a parent.
I realized I also need to put myself up at the top too, because if I am unhealthy physically, emotionally, or spiritually, I will be of no use to anyone, not even God.
Then I decided after that, Royce would come next. If he and I are not getting along, then no matter how much I tell the kids to be respectful, they won't...they just copy us. So I need to nurture and invest in this relationship that Pres. Benson called the most important relationship in this life.
Then the children.
Then the chores. :)
Upon realizing my own loss of focus and priorities, I decided I needed to make prayer a priority again. I needed to put first things first and re-establish that connection with Heaven. Heavenly Father, just like me as a parent, keeps me alive and going through His love, work, sacrifice, and perseverance on my part. And in the same way I care about my children, He cares about me-how I am doing, what I am struggling with, and He wants to help.
Find or create some quiet time today to discern what your "white fudges" might be. Evaluate what your priorities are and whether your time is actually going toward them. Put first things first.
November 14, 2011
A Friend
Today, help came in the form of a friend.
It was 11:30 am and I had not showered yet, having gotten distracted with laundry and meal planning. My neighbor and close friend, Jess, called and asked me over for a quick lunch of leftovers at noon. The thought of visiting with her cheered me up instantly, and I quickly showered and got ready.
Eva was happy to leave the house with me and walk up the hill to Austin's for lunch and play time. It was a warmer day than I had anticipated, having been shut up in my house with the heater running all morning. The warmth felt rejuvenating after weeks of daytime wind and chill.
As we neared the top of the hill, I looked around me at the blue sky full of brilliant white clouds and towering pine trees. My anxiety was replaced with calm and peace. I felt grateful for the sun that keeps rising, even when I don't...for the constant sky above me even when I'm not constant...and for the clouds that keep drifting even when I am immobile. All of God's creations continue on every day, cycling in and out of their respective spheres, whether or not I come out of my house to appreciate them and be blessed by them...and I'm grateful for that.
And for a friend that called me over last minute for lunch.
It was 11:30 am and I had not showered yet, having gotten distracted with laundry and meal planning. My neighbor and close friend, Jess, called and asked me over for a quick lunch of leftovers at noon. The thought of visiting with her cheered me up instantly, and I quickly showered and got ready.
Eva was happy to leave the house with me and walk up the hill to Austin's for lunch and play time. It was a warmer day than I had anticipated, having been shut up in my house with the heater running all morning. The warmth felt rejuvenating after weeks of daytime wind and chill.
As we neared the top of the hill, I looked around me at the blue sky full of brilliant white clouds and towering pine trees. My anxiety was replaced with calm and peace. I felt grateful for the sun that keeps rising, even when I don't...for the constant sky above me even when I'm not constant...and for the clouds that keep drifting even when I am immobile. All of God's creations continue on every day, cycling in and out of their respective spheres, whether or not I come out of my house to appreciate them and be blessed by them...and I'm grateful for that.
And for a friend that called me over last minute for lunch.
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